sneekee_snek_17

@ sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world

Posts

83
Comments

308
Joined

2 yr. ago

bugs @lemmy.world
sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world
2d ago

Common flesh fly at a park nearby

0
2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy
Jump
sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago
I think the bad traits and egregiously unhealthy behaviors just manifested gradually, kind of the frog in the pot situation

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Who did you talk to? Because I'm not currently talking to my family, don't have friends that I can really discuss things like this with, and I feel like therapists aren't really the correct people to determine or recommend a course of action

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Jump

sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago

Sounds like we're in the same boat. It almost certainly needs to happen, it's just a matter of when

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Jump

sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago

I know that's the choice, we are rapidly beginning to resemble her parents, where her dad is a shell of the awesome 80s hair metal rocker guy he used to be. He lives on the road working or doing his hobbies out in the garage

The question I've asked myself is, can I be happy ENOUGH. and I'm well aware that even asking that question is a horrible place to be

During a post-mortem on our most recent big argument, she asked me what a genuinely good day between us would look like, and my actual gut reaction was, "a day when you don't snap, or give orders, or hurt my feelings in any way". And what a pathetic place that is to be. She seemed taken aback for a minute, but nothing actually stuck, I don't think she's capable of consciously sitting with the harm she does to me

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Jump

sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago

It's infuriating, because her being a researcher in the humanities/neurodivergence area, she has a wealth of knowledge on how to talk about neurodivergence and a person's loved experiences vs other's perception of it and all manner of conversational tactics that make it nearly impossible to get her to say "yeah that was pretty bitchy how I said that" or anything of that nature

It's always obfuscated and confusing

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Jump

sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago

I know that everything points that way, i just don't know if it's possible, especially now when we're already barely above water with our schooling and the kids

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Jump

sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago

Regarding the psychotherapy and neurodivergence, that's an issue actually. I believe that she's well aware that many of her behaviors and impulses are unacceptable, but she can't accept that she is the problem, so autism is used as a shield of sorts.

Now, to be fair, I do agree she probably has it to some degree, like I can tell certain reactions she has when she's surprised are not normal. But I also know that being, a domineering, mean person is not part of the ASD diagnostic criteria, and I know her well enough by now to tease the two apart.

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Jump

sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago

The reason it's so damn hard to believe none of out is conscious is that she easily, rapidly identifies the exact same behavioral in her mom, and i have told her repeatedly and clearly what she is doing and examples that directly reflect those behaviors she's pointed out in her mom.

That, coupled with the fact that she is not stupid, I'd say a decent bit smarter than her mom, just makes it so hard. She either has an ENORMOUS blind spot regarding a ton of her own behavior, to the point where she is utterly incapable of analyzing her own behavior critically, or there's some degree of conscious awareness. Both are equally unacceptable in my mind.

As for the repeating stuff, I could try that, but I'm 98% sure that the moment I did, she'd repeat it how she BELIEVES she said it, which is perfectly nicely. Again, either she's utterly unaware of how nasty she is, or she does know and is lying about it.

One vaguely related fact that does support the supermassive blind spot theory is that for our entire relationship she has insisted she has curly hair. Not wavy, curly. Now, the reality is that she is a Caucasian redhead, with unambiguously straight hair, so to watch her vehemently disagree with me when we're both looking at what is to me a fact that is so obvious and undeniable, is bizarre

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Jump

sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago

A nasty, ongoing custody battle is one of my worst nightmares, because that means things are so bad, she's using the one, major lever she'd have left to use on me, and it'd be effective for decades

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Jump

sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago

The problem is that things are rarely as black and white as intentional isolation. It's more like due to a million small interactions and her and my family not tolerating each other, doing what she wants, not talking to my family, etc just become the easiest option.

To be fair, she isn't all bad and I'm not all good either, i have some very poor communication habits that come out during arguments.

The real problem is that it's almost never explicit that she's the problem and our disagreements/arguments almost always end up at a disagreement about our perceptions of her tone or body language or word choice and things like that

2w ago

I am profoundly unhappy

Jump

sneekee_snek_17 @lemmy.world 2w ago

I had just gotten sober, things were easy and good i thought

I would say we split housework evenly, I've been very kid-heavy recently while she prepares for written comps for her PhD

We get decent sleep, out of the newborn phase, but I'd like to go to sleep around 9:30, but we always seem to be up until around 11:00, which is her preferred time

It's not that I CAN'T do things the way I want to, there's just always friction, and over time it saps my ability to keep asserting myself

As for her changing, I honestly don't think she changed, I think she has just revealed more of her "normal" communication modes as our lives became more enmeshed