Pressure

I feel some pressure.

My little brother got a girlfriend. This is fine, of course, and I'm actually very happy for him. I'm a little cynical, regarding interpersonal relationships, especially romantic ones, but I love that he has good friends, I love he likes what he's studying, and I love that he has found someone he loves on that level. That being said, he is my little brother, and I don't have anything like that. I feel some pressure! I don't think I'm being pressured, necessarily, and people don't often comment on my lack of relationship (though my granny did, which is likely why this feeling came up), but there's still this weird incessant nagging that I should get a girlfriend, even though I don't want to, or at least a boyfriend, even though I think my family would be a little weirded out. Not my parents or brother, mind you, but definitely some of the other people in my life. Again, I don't actually want a relationship, so this is moreso a hypothetical thing, but still.

Also, my dad spoke to me yesterday about what I'm doing with my life. He wasn't being negative or nagging me or anything, but it was a little intense, because he really just cares about me and he worries that I may be doing things in a way that wouldn't lead to happiness. I really want to stress that he wasn't rude or mean, and he definitely had my best interest at heart. However, it did hurt, anyway, because I'm also worried about that!

I feel like something's wrong with me, to be honest. That's not quite right... I feel normal and good, even, but I do also feel like I'm not like the people around me and like I'm just missing some weird part of life. It's like I'm living through fog, and everyone can clearly see a pot of gold that I'm just stumbling around for... But then again, I'm also just fine in the fog and actually having a pretty good time.

These feelings are a little hard to process, for me.

Genuinely, I do feel loved. That's, thankfully, something I've really found no reason to doubt. I firmly believe my parents and family will support me, as long as I'm true to myself. I'm very happy to be able to say that. However, that also makes me feel like I should repay the favour, and be successful, and do things right, and enjoy my life! I should take the sacrifices they've made and the sacrifices they are willing to make and make myself something they can be proud of. I think, so far, I've actually done pretty OK. Not perfect, but definitely fine. If I manage to keep improving my working situation, I think I can repay even more of what they've done for me. I do fear, I guess, that they'll never see me in a happy relationship and that will always haunt them.

Something else my dad spoke about was having projects. This whole thing stemmed from my obsession with saving. The thing is, I'm happy. I don't like spending money, I don't want to spend money. I do sometimes, on things I care about or value, but very rarely because I tend to care about and value things I don't have to spend money on. He talked about buying a house and a car, but I don't want either of those. He gets it, I think he does, and he's certainly trying to be understanding, but I guess we're not really relating very well.

I... I don't mind trying a bit harder at relationships, at least friendships. I have been trying, and I'll try to try more. However, I think I just have to stay steady and true to myself, and not force myself to do things I don't care about too much. I'm already doing that for friendships, but I can't do that for other stuff. I just don't want to, so I won't!

It's hard, though. I feel like I'm letting them down, a little, by not being "normal", or how they envisioned.

I was thinking, and I did think, that being successful in my goals would let them relax, but I think it's deeper than that. Having a good job and being on pace or even on a good path towards something I've said is a great goal of mine has actually just introduced some more stress because it's unconventional. Because of who I am, they'll always be scared that I'm not living well, because I'm living different. I don't want them to worry, because I really love them, and I know that they worry because they love me, and I know that they don't pressure more because they care about me and respect me, and well, because they're good people.

It's hard, it's really hard, but I think, as I've said, I just have to be true to myself. I'm grown, I'm an adult man! Partly, I think my dad was saying to take some more initiative, and become more independent, but I think the way we think about independence is different. For me, independence means being able to read my books and go on walks, not buying a house or traveling.

That's something he mentioned, traveling. I really do love traveling, but I... I just don't really care that much. I want to travel, I'm sure I would enjoy it, to some extent, but also I much prefer to spend that time reading? I don't know...

I think he's worried, which worries me. I want to listen and do as he says, take his advice, that is, but... Also, I wonder if just doing as I've been doing is fine, too. Maybe. Maybe it is, but maybe it could be better. I'm just not sure.

Well, I guess I have stuff to think about.

I've been watching too much YT, again... I really need to break this freaking habit. I'll take YT out of my main screen and read some political theory to get my mind on track.

I wore shorts, today. Blue.